Trail of thought

Hi Folks!

After yesterday visit, it give me a urge to blog, since I have not post for ages. In this blog post, it will not be about yesterday visit, as I may do it on another post after exams, but a post to share about my thoughts and seek for your advice.

First and foremost I must thank the seniors (elderly) and all the wonderful volunteers who visit GB every Saturday morning, I have learnt much from you guys. Things have changed. I don't really think so much and so hard about relationships (as in friendships and bonds between people) in the past. However, after every visit thousand of things just flood my mind, like "did I say anything wrong just now?", "Is my tone ok?", "How can I do things better?" and "Is there any things can be done to make things better?"

I must say that I am not as bright and inspiring like others (see the past posts and you will understand), so I am always struggling to get things right. If you have any great words of advice, please speak to me ok? Alternatively, we can post on the blog to allow us to learn.

Ok, getting back to my "trail", yesterday an elderly struck me on the topic of human relationship. If you were there, you will know the whole story. Is relationship really all about compromising? Should one party always compromise? The obvious answer in this situation is always a "yes" for both of the questions. How disrespectful am I if I go against an elderly words? Looking at them doing dangerous stuns and say "Don't worry, they are experienced." or "Just let them be, they have been living like this for the past few decades."

I am really not sure, if it is just me, but i always think that going GB is not to be there to help the elderly in all their household chores but to befriend them. What will you do if your friend did a dangerous stun like using a chopper to open a tin? Or they have some compulsive acts that is bothering you? Yes, I meant I really treat them as friends, and I naturally will try stop them. How about you?

1)  Resentment. 

This is a poison that starts as something small (“He didn't get a new roll of toilet paper” or “She doesn't wash her dishes after she eats”) and builds up into something big. Resentment is dangerous because it often flies under our radar, so that we don’t even notice we have the resentment, and the other part doesn't realize that there’s anything wrong. If you ever notice yourself having resentment, you need to address this immediately, before it gets worse.

Cut it off while it’s small. There are two good ways to deal with resentment: 
a) breathe, and just let it go — accept them for who she/he is, faults and all; none of us is perfect; or
b) talk to the other party about it if you cannot accept it, and try to come up with a solution that works for both of you (not just for you); try to talk to them in a non-confrontational way, but in a way that expresses how you feel without being accusatory.

2)  Unrealistic expectations. 

Often we have an idea of what others should be like. We might expect them to clean up after themselves, to be considerate, to always think of us first, to surprise us, to support us, to always have a smile, to work hard and not be lazy. Not necessarily these expectations, but almost always we have expectations of others. Having some expectations is fine. But sometimes, without realizing it ourselves, we have expectations that are too high to meet. Nobody is perfect. We can’t expect them to be cheerful and loving every minute of the day — everyone has their moods. We can’t expect them to always think of us, as they will obviously think of themselves or others sometimes too. We can’t expect them to be exactly as we are, as everyone is different. High expectations lead to disappointment and frustration, especially if we do not communicate these expectations. How can we expect them to meet these expectations if they don’t know about them? The remedy is to lower your expectations — allow them to be himself/herself, and accept and love them for that. What basic expectations we do have, we must communicate clearly.

3)  Lack of communication.

This sin affects all the others on this list — it’s been said many times before, but it’s true: good communication is the cornerstone of a good relationship. If you have resentment, you must talk it out rather than let the resentment grow. If you have expectations of others, you must communicate them. If there are any problems whatsoever, you must communicate them and work them out. Communication doesn’t just mean talking or arguing — good communication is honest without being attacking or blaming. Communicate your feelings — being hurt, frustrated, sorry, scared, sad, happy — rather than criticizing. Communicate a desire to work out a solution that works for you both, a compromise, rather than a need for the other person to change. And communicate more than just problems — communicate the good things too.

4)  Not showing gratitude. 

Sometimes there are no real problems in a relationship, such as resentment or jealousy or unrealistic expectations — but there is also no expression of the good things about others either. This lack of gratitude and appreciation is just as bad as the problems, because without it, they will feel like he or she is being taken for granted. Every person wants to be appreciated for all they do. And while you might have some problems with what they do, you should also realize that they do good things too. Take the time to say thank you, and give a hug. This little expression can go a long way.

5)  Stubbornness.

Every relationship will have problems and arguments — but it’s important that you learn to work out these problems after cooling down a bit. Unfortunately, many of us are too stubborn to even talk about things. Perhaps we always want to be right. Perhaps we never want to admit that we made a mistake. Perhaps we don’t like to say we’re sorry. Perhaps we don’t like to compromise. Try to get over this childishness and suck it up and put away the ego and say I’m sorry. Talk about the problem and work it out. Don’t be afraid to be the first one to apologize. Then move past it to better things.

After the visit, it bother me so much that I did a mini research on "how to improve relationships with others", and here I am to share the article I came across: http://zenhabits.net/the-seven-deadly-sins-of-a-relationship/

Here are the 5 learning points for relationships in general that I think are good points to takeaway. 

After reading through this I feel so bad, as I did some (actually all) of those personally. I didn't communicate my resentments, being stubborn with my point of views and not realising that I have too high expectations of others. Things can be done better next time.

Lastly, thank you guys for reading this post full of my ranting and my thoughts yesterday. (showing some gratitude, point 4). A song to thank you guys for reading, hope you like it :)

Signing off,
WY